Happily Ever After

As a wife and mother sometimes Christian radio is helpful and sometimes not. I don't listen nearly as much as I used to, when home educating having the radio on in the background can be distracting. This morning though, Matt and the boys left early to do chores for friends who are on vacation and as I was preparing the house for the day I was listening to a show on communication in marriage. The show was really geared toward newlyweds or even engaged couples. Being an "old married woman" with 10 + years of marriage experience under my matrimonial belt, there were parts of the show to which I was shaking my head and saying an inward "amen". Other parts I felt like gave me permission to be moody or cantankerous due to my "God given personality". Fortunately, I learned before I got married(through repeated head smashing against the brick wall of life)that I would never be truly happy or fulfilled in any relationship outside of Jesus. I know we all know that in our heads. I know we all say it at church. But do we live it? I certainly didn't. I sought fulfillment in relationships outside of God. I placed on the shoulders of so many of my friends the responsibility of making me happy. I have a "chipper" enough personality and gracious enough friends that the long term damage to relationships was minimal...but inwardly, I often dealt with disappointment and moodiness because another human being failed to make me feel whole.

Then one day I moved to Salem, IL. For the first time in my adult life I wasn't surrounded by the safety net of close friendships...it was me and God. I had relationships here, but they were new, almost foreign. I remember the day so well. I was on my morning walk and the lyrics to a song were running through my mind...the song was entitled "God Spot". I realized that the emptiness and loneliness I was facing in this new place was not anyone's fault. The reason I was unfulfilled "by myself" was because I had inadvertently placed the expectation of fulfillment on my friends. Jesus alone wasn't enough to fulfill....I was a relationship junky. Once I saw it, I realized how wrong that was...I also realized that it was totally unfair to place that kind of expectation on another human being. Relationships are only ever whole and truly loving if an individual finds fulfilment in Christ alone. That frees us to really love another without a self fulfillment agenda getting in the way.

The talk show expressed the need for all married couples to find their fulfillment in Christ first. AMEN to that! However, then they went on to express ways of dealing with conflict...most of the conflict examples they gave, were conflicts stemming from expectations placed on another for one's own validation. I know as humans we are never totally free of the flesh until we are dead. We will feel forces of it until the day Jesus takes us home. We will have moments of unguarded words with insecurities leaking out. Yet, I've found in my marriage that the more I truly believe that my worth is based in Jesus, the less often I fall to attacking Matt when I feel needy. It doesn't mean all conflict disappears, we still have days where we don't see eye to eye or I'm overly emotional and sensitive. But it does mean that once "reason comes riding in on a white horse" I can see what I'm doing and LET IT GO. That, I believe, is the second secret to a good marriage. I don't have to win. There are no winners. I don't have to be validated, I am valuable because Jesus says so.

You see Matt and I have settled into our relationship. We rarely fuss over issues anymore. We've learned to place an issue on the table and emotionally detach ourselves from it. Then we tackle the issue based on truth and what is real. We almost always come to an agreement based on what we both believe to be truth. We don't even think in terms of whose argument or idea won. But, there are the little rubs that come from living with another person and those are a whole different topic. It is those little rubs that can make relationships difficult. For example, last Wednesday night the boys and I got into town, after a long day in St. Louis. We normally meet Matt in town for supper before church. We got to the restaurant and I set the boy's drinks down. Matt starts to move them. I say, "why?" He explains that friends are eating with us and we need to make room for them. It's important to note here that Matt is the Tortoise and I am the Hare. He often thinks, responds, and moves very slowly. I often think, respond, and move at the speed of light(which has led to MANY apologies in my life). I argue, "There's room if we add this chair". He continues to move drinks, think and think and think...(tick tick tick). I think, "What is the big deal?" However, after 10 years of marriage(and due to the public location) I've learned to keep that thought to myself. However, I don't do a good job of hiding the annoyance in my body language. So I grab a plate and head to the salad bar before I say any more. On the way, I'm still annoyed...."why does it take this man 20 years to find a seat? What is the big deal?"...and then I realize what I'm doing. He's questioned my great plan. How dare he? Do I think I'm God? I realize that I'm being silly...after all what is the big deal? Who cares if he wants to deliberate on the seating for another 10 minutes? Further more, I've not seen him all day and when I do, he is greeted with a scowl and annoyance. This is really silly. "Jesus, I'm sorry. Help me." Then with HIS help, I let it go. Not stuff it. See there is a world of difference between washing something away down the drain and keeping it stuffed in your cupboard to mold and fester until another day. I let it go, because he is a good man. Because my way isn't always right. Because there are a million little things about me that he let's go all the time(ie like my rabbit speed way of running through life). Because I'm a child of God and He isn't pleased with this little "tude" of mine. And so I walk back to the table with a genuine smile for him. I've let it go. It's only a table and some chairs after all. He smiles back and humbly says, "You were right, we needed to just add a chair." I honestly answer, "No big deal." It doesn't even occur to me to feel good about being "right". Not because I'm Super-Wife, but because I let it go...and my value is in Jesus, not in whether I'm right or not.

So I talked to the radio this morning and let the good experts know that conflict resolution goes deeper into oneself than a "conflict resolution" card that you carry in your wallet. But it flows from a heart that is willing to let the unimportant things go. A heart that promises to find it's fulfillment in Christ. A heart that is humble enough to say, "I'm wrong". And to be honest, from the hard work of disciplining our tongues to not respond too quickly(I'm learning this skill better everyday from the example of my Tortoise).